Published September 6, 2008
Mother has a new winter coat,
studded with diamonds, pure and clean--
its beauty lost to eyes unseeing.
“She’s worn this coat before” they say,
“It makes her look so cold and gray.”
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I don't know why but it didn't seem right. Maybe because it was short but I kinda didn't like it. I know, you haven't dwelled too long on metaphors and phrases. But, it didn't do it any good. I mean, even if it was straight to the point, you could have added some more.
I don't know why but if you just added another verse, it would have been better.
Well, it doesn't have any mistakes. So, I'll say to make another verse to add more interest.
Good luck.
You know, you're exactly right! I think I will work on another verse. Thanks!
--Anna
Short, sweet, to the point. Only problem is I feel like this is missing something. This almost feels like a single verse rather than an entire poem. There are three things you can do to fix this.....One shorten the poem into a hakiu, by rewording the lines to where the followed the classix 5,7,5 sylabol patteren, two lengthen the poem to where there was another verse that went futher into the meaning or three add a few spare lines, or expand the ones you have to mask the shortness with more detail.
Though it's good just the way it is, these are just little sugestions, depending on how confident of your work, can hurt or help it.
Still, very nice work, the meaning is clear and the imagery is perfect. Have a great day!